


This Empty Love Leaves Us Alone

by MarshmarrowSans



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Also a cheating scumbag, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, But anyways they work in a lab, Cheating, Choose Your Own Ending, Demisexual Sans, Gender Ambiguous, Is it my job now to write reversals of all of the sans/reader tropes that irritate me?, Leaving a cheater, Multiple Endings, Reader cheats on Sans, alternate endings, bc anybody can be a dirty cheater, falling back in love, forgiving a cheater, i'm cool with that, reader is a scientist, this is not a happy story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-02-09 18:42:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12894366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarshmarrowSans/pseuds/MarshmarrowSans
Summary: Well, you just made the biggest mistake of your life, and you can't take it back.  You can't rewind time like Frisk can, and even if you could...  that would just be breaching his trust even more than you already have, wouldn't it?  You can't take it back.So what do you value more: honesty or mercy?





	1. You Fucked Up

**Author's Note:**

> Mod Kasha could've studied for organic chemistry today. Mod Kasha could've worked on one of the eight fluffy or smutty requests sitting in her inbox.
> 
> But no.
> 
> Mod Kasha decided to take a stab at angst. (And also Sans' back.)

Ethanol.  It was the first thing you smelled when you woke up.

 

You wished that it was because you drank the night before.  It wouldn't make things okay, but...  it would make them...  slightly more understandable?  Maybe?  


...  Maybe not.  There was nothing understandable about you waking up with your nose nestled into a head of soft, curly hair.  There was nothing excusable about you waking up naked next to a human man at all, or any man other than Sans, for that matter.

 

The reason you were smelling ethanol wasn't because of any consumption of excess alcoholic beverages the night before.  It was coming from your discarded lab coat, lying on a heap next to the bed, along with all your other clothes.

 

You remembered everything.  After all, you had no reason not to.  You, the wrecking ball that you were, spilling the heavy bottle of reagent grade ethanol all over yourself and the table in your attempt to transfer it to a beaker.  Him, coming over to see what the commotion was and, without thinking, pushing you to the emergency shower.  The two of you laughing at his overreaction-- it was just ethanol, so the emergency shower was completely unnecessary.  And then you were both there, soaking wet as if you weren't in a professional laboratory setting with fellow researchers all around you, as if it were some fucking fairytale moment out in the pouring rain, and he was leaning down to kiss you, and you weren't stopping him, and you were making out for as long as you could get away with, and you could feel the physical evidence of his yearning for you, and he offered to have you over for coffee and you knew _exactly_ what he meant and you _loved_ it--

 

You weren't thinking then.  For hours that evening, you weren't thinking.  You felt attractive.  You felt desirable.  You felt above it all for once in your life, like you had a power over him, and over your own life.  Freedom was intoxicating.

 

Now you just felt sick.  Last night, you'd dived headlong off a ledge, and today, you were in freefall, looking down to see there was nothing to catch you at the bottom.  The euphoria was gone, your head was clear, and you were left wondering why, why, _why_ the hell did you _do_ that?

 

Back on that metaphorical ledge, what had you left behind?  Sans, of course, and that was the most painful thing, but it wasn't all.  What would Papyrus think of somebody who betrayed his brother like that, especially when Papyrus was such a strong supporter of your relationship with him?  What would Toriel say to somebody who had been jealous of her a fair number of times, only to turn around and do the very thing they had been afraid of happening to them?  Would even Asgore judge you for your mistake? Would Alphys ever be able to look you in the eyes again, knowing you threw away your relationship with Sans just to fuck the hot PI at your lab?

 

And most importantly, how far would Undyne go to hunt your ass down for this transgression?

 

You felt so sick.  Your heart was pounding, and not in that pleasant adrenaline-fueled way it did the night before.  You could feel every limb in your body shaking as you stood in the middle of his room and pulled your clothes back on.  You were shaking so much that you dropped your lab coat, that _damn_ lab coat, twice, before cursing under your breath, rolling it up into a creasy ball and tucking it under your arm.

 

You wanted to trash this goddamn room and never come back.  You just wanted to...  scream.

 

And you did not want to be here for a second longer, nor did you want to wake your...  boytoy?  Because Kyle was _sure_ as hell not your boyfriend.  You fantasized about him sometimes, obviously, but he was _not_ your boyfriend.  Sans was.  And even if Sans wasn't, this guy still wouldn't be your boyfriend.  You weren't dumb enough to think that physical attraction conferred emotional compatibility.

 

You'd been avoiding it since the moment you woke up-- it was usually the very first thing you did in the morning-- but you removed your phone from your lab coat pocket and checked your notifications.

 

_3 missed calls from Sandsome <3_

_17 texts from Sandsome <3_

Shit.  He didn't leave a voicemail, but he left a ton of texts.  You skimmed through them, hardly reading them, only catching the words that made your stomach lurch.

 

_Sandsome <3_

hey babe, how's work?

 

_Sandsome <3_

hey, what do chemists do in the club?

 

_Sandsome <3_

they drop the base! ;D

 

_Sandsome <3_

...  well i thought it was funny.

 

_Sandsome <3_

call me so i can hear u laugh at my jokes.

 

_Sandsome <3_

they keeping you late again?  that's alright, rake in that overtime dough and we'll use it for a celebratory trip to grillbz over the weekend.

 

_Sandsome <3_

you da breadwinner

 

_Sandsome <3_

just don't overwork yourself, kay?  i worry about you sometimes.

 

_Sandsome <3_

babe??

 

_Sandsome <3_

it's like two hours past the time your lab closes and you aren't home.

 

_Sandsome <3_

is this some kinda prank? are you trying to freak me out? it's working. i'm worrying my ass off over here.  haha.  really funny.  you're really rattling this ol' skeleton's bones.

 

_Sandsome <3_

seriously.  i don't care where you are or what you're doing.  i'm not mad at you.  just shoot me a text so i know you're safe.

 

_Sandsome <3_

where the fuck are you?  you have never been this late to come home.  ever.

 

_Sandsome <3_

alphys said she saw you leave the lab at the usual time but doesn't know where you went if not home.

 

_Sandsome <3_

i am really fucking scared rn

 

_Sandsome <3_

i'm going looking for you.  if at any point you get these texts, just shoot me one back, you hear?

 

_Sandsome <3_

i love you.

 

So what do you do now?  What is the right thing to do?  Is there a right thing to do at all?  You doubt it, but ultimately you decide that...

 

 **This would absolutely crush Sans.  He's been through enough in his shitty life-- the last thing he needs is to hear that the one person he was ever able to completely open his heart to betrayed him when he needed them the most.  Sans' bullshit detector might pick up on a bit of suspicious behavior, but you're confident in your ability to keep a secret.  You decide to keep quiet and let him live in ignorant bliss.** \- Proceed to Chapter 2 - MERCIFUL Ending

 

 **Sans values honesty above all else.  He'll be hurt, but he's a grown man who can deal with the pain of a betrayal like this, and it's your responsibility to tell him the truth and let him make his own decisions.  The cat will be out of the bag, and all of your friends are going to find out for sure.  This path ensures fallout.  But you can't lie to him, even to spare his feelings.  You decide to go straight home and tell Sans the truth.** \- Proceed to Chapter 3 - HONEST Ending


	2. MERCIFUL Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter name is a bit of a misnomer, ain't it?

You stood outside the door to Kyle's apartment, out in the cold, and stared down at Sans' messages.  You stared at them until your vision blurred and it felt like the tears in your eyes were going to freeze over.  You read your carefully-typed response over and over again, checking it thoroughly, making sure it contained no contradictions or provable inaccuracies.  God, you felt like a criminal.  You felt worse than a criminal.  At least lots of criminals had some kind of troubled times to justify, if not excuse, what they did.

 

Sans was never anything but good to you.

 

You read it over one more time.

_  
You_

HOLY SHIT I'M SO SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.  I started to drive home but I was extremely drowsy, so I pulled off somewhere that looked safe and ended up falling asleep in the car.  I'm safe and not in any trouble, and I am SO sorry for worrying you like that.  I'm coming home right now.  Love you too.

You pressed send.

 

...

 

You got a response in a heartbeat.

 

_Sandsome <3_

paps and i are at the fuckin police station trying to file a missing person's report for you

 

_Sandsome <3_

we almost sicced the popo on ur ass

 

_Sandsome <3_

seriously though thank fucking god you're alright.  like i said i'm not mad at you.  paps is so happy you're ok that he's dancing and i feel like i could do the same.  i'll see you at home ok?  sorry for freaking out.

 

His last message left you frozen where you stood, reading it over and over again with ice in the pit of your stomach:

   
_Sandsome <3_

i would just never forgive myself if i lost you.  you're everything that's right about this fucked up world.

 

You just couldn't bring yourself to take that away from him.  You couldn't.  This was your burden to bear, and yours alone.  Forever.

 

*                          *                              *

You were correct in your self-assessment of your lying abilities.  While you knew that Sans could tell that you were being a bit evasive lately...  he never confronted you about it, so you figured you were keeping it on the down-low to enough of an extent that he wasn't worried about you.

 

You kept your story straight, and tacked on details for authenticity when needed.  You left at the usual time, just like Alphys said you did, pulled over on the way home, planned to just close your eyes for a minute before calling someone to drive you the rest of the way home, and ended up falling asleep there.  Then you woke up to Sans' panicked messages and texted him back immediately.  You rehearsed that story over and over in your head, even though nobody questioned you about it more than once, and you never deviated from it on the rare occasion the incident came up during conversation.

 

As for Kyle...  sickeningly, you were more honest with him than you were with your own boyfriend.  You told him the truth-- that you had a great time with him, but that you were actually taken and you wanted to mend things with your boyfriend rather than continue having an affair or dumping him.  He seemed to take it well.  It probably would have been kind of creepy if he didn't.  After all, you two had just slept together for one night, and in the morning you'd been gone without a word.  He could take a hint at your lack of extended interest, and he didn't seem to take offense.  So that was another base covered.

 

Your relationship with Sans didn't even take a hit-- not on his side, at least.  A few days after the incident, he was back to his normal, goofy self.  He joked and flirted with you just as much as ever, and your sex life continued at its normal rate and intensity.  You were paranoid for awhile that he was on to you the whole time and that he was waiting and waiting and waiting for you to tell him the truth, but...  after awhile, you decided that even Sans, the master of poker faces, couldn't keep it up that perfectly for that long.  Or wouldn't.  He was too mature to do a thing like that.  So he had no idea.  Maybe he would've been suspicious of anyone else who acted the way you did, but not you.  He loved you too much.

 

You kept it up for six months.  Six.  Whole.  Months.  Although you'd been planning on keeping it up forever, you still had to give yourself some credit for that.

 

You kept it up for six months before it all came crashing down on you.

 

You should have seen the signs, but you weren't vigilant.  You were focused entirely on yourself-- on your own actions.  It was the same trait that caused you to cheat on your boyfriend in the first place, you supposed.  You had trouble looking outwards.  You didn't notice Alphys becoming even quieter than usual.  Didn't notice the hurt and confused glances or the stuttering attempts at a dreaded conversation.  Didn't notice her avoiding you whereas she used to want to partner up with you for all of your lab assignments.  And on that fateful day, when she didn't even show up to work, you didn't give it a second thought.  You noticed she wasn't there, of course, but figured she was either sick or taking a day off to spend with her girlfriend.

 

It started with a phone call in the middle of a workday almost like any other, except for her absence.  The very fact that she called you was unusual and worrying.  Alphys didn't _call_ people.  She _texted_ them.  Always.

 

Unless, maybe, it was some kind of emergency...?  You felt uneasy when caller ID showed her name, and you picked up right away.  The fact that the poor girl sounded like she was having a panic attack on the other end did nothing to quell your fear.

 

"Alphys?  Is everything okay?"

 

"N-no!  I-I-I'm sorry!  I c-couldn't keep it to myself!  I-I told him everything!  _Everything_!"

 

"Alright.  Alphys?  Take a deep breath.  It's going to be alright."  First and foremost, you wanted to calm her down.  It pained you to hear her in so much distress.

 

"N-no it's not!  I-i-it hasn't been alright for _months_!"  That was...  worrying.  She didn't usually react like that.  Reassuring her that things were going to be okay usually helped her to take a step back and reassess whatever problem was setting her off.  But not this time-- she completely disregarded your reassurance.  She took a desperate gulp of air.  "I-I've been a terrible friend!  I m-messed up with both of you.  I t-tried to cover for you...  even though I knew it wasn't the right thing to do.  A-and then I couldn't even do THAT right!"

 

Your heart dropped in your chest.  You were putting the pieces together now.  "...  Wait a minute.  What do you mean you tried to cover for me?"

 

"I saw what happened with Kyle!  We ALL did!"  
  
Shit.  You had no words.  
  
"And I thought...  I th-thought you'd tell Sans yourself.  Eventually.  Because I thought...  I th-thought you were a really good person.  I thought maybe you're just like m-me...  and you made an awful mistake that ruined people's lives but you didn't mean to..."  Her voice quivered and raised in pitch.  "I j-just don't understand.  Sans is my friend, and I know he isn't perfect, b-but he's such a good person."

 

"...  I know," you mumbled.

 

"He loves you.  He...  do you even have any idea what you meant to him?  H-he talked to me about marrying you.  About...  a-about bonding his soul with yours."

 

That physically hurt to hear.  You felt like you'd been punched in the gut.  I mean...  you knew he cared about you, and loved you, and might have wanted a future with you.  But that was serious stuff.

 

And more importantly...  Alphys wouldn't be telling you if she thought it was still a possibility.

 

"I...  I couldn't just...  I couldn't let him f-find out that way.  I th-thought about him...  sharing his soul that way with you.  And being so happy, and so open, for once in his life, but as your souls bonded, he would...  h-he would see the guilt there.  And the memories.  And know what you did.  And he wouldn't be able to take that back.  He w-would've bonded his soul to someone who...  who...  who d-doesn't value him above any other guy that shows interest in them!"  She was sobbing, and you were in too much shock to help her.  You weren't in any position to do so, anyways.  You were the reason.  "S-so...  so I had to tell him.  I couldn't be a good friend to him by telling him in the first place...  I couldn't be a good friend to you by keeping your secret...  Th-this is all my fault."

 

God, Alphys found a way to blame herself for everything.  "Al..."  
  
"I-I don't want to hear another word.  You hate me.  Sans hates me.  Undyne is gonna hate me for hiding things from her again."  
  
"Nobody hates you, Alphys.  Not even me.  None of this is your fault.  You were put into a difficult situation with no right answers," you told her, quietly.  Your tone was cold and emotionless.  You couldn't muster anything more than that.  You were still deeply in shock, wishing to wake up from this.  Any moment now.  Please...  "...  So you told him."  
  
"I...  I told him."

 

"...  What...  did he have to say?"  
  
She didn't even seem to hear your question, or maybe she just changed her mind about talking to you very suddenly.  "I n-never should've lied for you in the first place.  Just...  j-just leave me alone."

 

The call cut off there, and you were left clutching your phone with your stomach in a knot and your heart pounding in your chest.  Sans knew.  He knew.  He knew you cheated on him.  He knew you lied.  He knew you kept it to yourself until Alphys finally had to tell him herself.

 

_You_

Hey.  We should talk.

 

You had to be honest.  A part of you knew that the response to your text would never come.  And yet you sat there, waiting.  Just like you'd made him wait, but instead of months, you only had to watch the minutes tick by.

 

_You_

I get it.  We should've talked months ago.  I just want you to know that everything I did was because I love you.  I lied because I knew the truth would crush you.  You always told me I was your favorite thing on the surface.  You told me once that I was what kept you going when you saw that the world out here could be hell.  I couldn't bear being the one to take that away from you, even if it meant lying to you.

 

Another fifteen minutes.  You knew that he was reading them and not responding, because he always texted you throughout your work day in the past, though you couldn't be sure of the reason for his radio silence.  Was he trying to hurt you back?  Was he waiting for you to say something in particular?  Or did he simply have nothing to say to you?

 

_You_

And I get that that doesn't take away how selfish I've been, but it's how it is.  I know I'm a selfish person.  Only selfish people do what I did.  But you change that.  Every time I'm with you, you make me a better person.  And I want to be that better person.  I don't know if I can do that without you.

 

You really didn't.  Alphys had been right.  Sans was a good person.  That was something you loved about him more than anything else.  He had such a strong sense of morality, and he expected the same from you.  You'd had many a philosophical argument with him over your respective ethical conclusions about variations on the trolley problem.  What you wouldn't give for that to be the issue at hand right now...  a subjective hypothetical scenario instead of a very real and very objective circumstance.

 

_You_

I'm leaving work right now.  I'm sorry.

 

You had to get home right away.  If there was ever a time in your relationship that you needed to be there in person, this was it.  Maybe that was what he was waiting for, you thought.  Maybe he was waiting for you to come face him in person instead of over texts like a coward.

 

_You_

I'm on my way.  You can scream at me or say nothing or just leave or do whatever.  Just please be there.  Please be there.

 

*                          *                              *

 

You opened the front door slowly and cautiously, as if you were trying to sneak back in after that dreaded night.  As if something might be lurking, waiting to jump out at you.

 

"Sans?"

 

You took a few steps inside, your eyes taking a moment to adjust to the darkness of your unlit home.  Your footsteps never felt so heavy, never sounded so loud.  Of course, it seemed that way because your house had never been so quiet.  Not since Sans and Papyrus moved in.  Not when Sans was always watching some game show on TV, or anime on Netflix, or playing one of your video games, or mumbling his affection for you in your ear.  Even when he said nothing, he had such a warm, quiet presence that it filled that empty air with _something_.

 

"Papyrus?

 

Not since Papyrus was always there to rustle around in your kitchen or make some racket in his room or sing insanely loudly in the shower. 

 

"Anybody?"

 

But now, nobody was there.  Nobody.

 

You did a sweep of the house like it was a futile search for survivors, starting with the living room.  You'd never cared much for it before you met your monster boyfriend and all of your monster friends-- it was the liminal space between the front door and your bedroom where you spent all your time.  That all changed when you met them.  Now it was the best place in the world.  It was where you, Alphys and Undyne all huddled to watch anime on a tiny laptop screen.  It was where you got hugs and kisses from both Papyrus and Sans every time you came home from work, although only kisses on the cheek from the former.  It was where you stopped to sit and cuddle with Sans while Papyrus cooked dinner for the two of you and asked all about your day, no matter how boring and uneventful it had been.  It was where you and Sans sat at opposite ends of the couch and made huge messes trying to throw food into each other's mouths.  But there was nobody there.

 

The kitchen was...  well-loved.  Papyrus used it most often, of course, but Sans also used it sometimes when raiding the pantry wasn't sufficient.  You used it sometimes, too, but you weren't much better than Sans.  In fact, the two of you bonded over junk food and microwave meals.  When it came to cleanliness, you came to love the very same permanent stains and burns that Papyrus always complained about.  Those symbolic reminders of their presence would never go away.  But there was nobody there.

 

Your bedroom used to be filled with reminders of Sans for the obvious reason: it was his room, too.  It was your little space for each other.  You could remember so many nights spent there stretched out next to one another, not just making love to each other, but doing so much more than that, vastly more important things.  Quietly tracing curious hands over each other's bodies until you had each other memorized.  Sometimes holding each other and laughing at each other's jokes.  Sometimes holding each other and crying until the pain of the past went away again.  A part of you-- the part of you, perhaps, that was coming to realize and accept what was happening right now-- felt a warm sense of hope and comfort at the thought of seeing his things strewn about.  His socks on the floor, his food wrappers and crumbs on the bed, his nerdy books on your desk, his photos on your shelves.  But as you entered, you received a cold and quiet shock at the realization that, for the first time since you met Sans, your room was tidy.

 

No socks.  No trash.  No quantum physics, astronomy or joke books.  No goofy pictures of Papyrus.  No more Sans at all.  It was different from the times you were alone in your room before.  Those other times, you could still feel him there, as if his soul lingered there even when he didn't.  You didn't feel that anymore.  It was as if he'd been erased.  Deleted.  Or, more likely and more specifically, deleted himself.

 

There was just one trace of his existence left there, and it was one that you weren't used to seeing.  After all, he and Papyrus usually kept their copies of the key to your house on their person.  Now they were neatly laid out, a perfect twin set on your desk.

 

You didn't know how long you sat there in your chair, feeling lost, cold and defeated.  The keys seemed untouchable, like they would burn you if you dared touch them, so you left them be and rested your head in your arms, the darkness there the only thing that could bring you any sense of solace.  Any moment now, you wanted desperately to wake up before the day started-- or better yet, before your mistake all those months ago.  God, if you had Frisk's power, you would go back and change everything.

 

But when you woke up, it was to the same scenery.  Your empty room, your empty house, so fucking neat and tidy that you wanted to scream.

 

And to a muffled, automated voice out in your living room, where your home phone sat on its charger when not in use.  
  
**You have [one] new message.**

*                          *                              *

 

Sans felt wrong, being at the wheel of Papyrus' sports car.  But everything was so wrong already that he didn't give it a second thought.  It felt wrong when he brought up bonding his soul with yours to Alphys and her expression shifted.  It felt wrong when she began to cry.  It felt wrong when he learned that you weren't a symbol of redemption for life here on the surface, you weren't his ray of sunshine in a sea of assholes, you were just...  _lies_.  Lies upon lies upon secrets upon betrayal, and the you he thought he knew was never there, because the you he thought he knew would never dream of hurting him like that at all, let alone for such a stupid reason.  It felt wrong in every bone in his body, every pulse of his magic, down to his very soul.  And yet he knew it was true.  It was all true, and all of a sudden his world felt upside down.

 

"uh, hey.  it's sans, as you can probably guess, considering today."

 

He spoke quietly, just loud enough so the cell phone he had sitting on the dash could pick up his voice, just quiet enough that Papyrus could only catch bits and pieces of his one-sided conversation with you from his forlorn position in the back seat.

 

"guess i'm not too surprised you didn't pick up.  i was kinda hoping you could help me figure out where to start talking about this, 'cause i mean, i never imagined this was gonna be something i'd have to talk about with you.  but i guess you couldn't be bothered to help me out with this...  this one last thing, couldja'?"

 

Could you hear the hours of crying in the thickness of his voice?  He could still feel it in the long-ago dried streaks of tears running down his cheeks.  And as soon as he thought about you, standing there listening to him, wanting him to come back, it all welled up again.  He thought long and hard about rolling to a stop, turning the car around and driving back to you.  He thought about teleporting into your bedroom, finding you asleep there with tears down your cheeks just like him, tapping you on the shoulder to wake you up, accepting your grateful hug and your welcome back home, forgiving you no matter how much you hurt him and moving on with your life together.

 

He stubbornly wiped his eyes on his sleeve.  No.  You didn't want him back.  You'd made that much clear.

 

"so, heh, excuse me for starting out so emotional.  i know now that's not the part of our relationship you were really into.  but, uh, this is pretty embarrassing to admit, considering everything.  but i really loved you.  dumbass, right?"

 

He chuckled humorlessly.  His fingers tightened around the steering wheel like a lifeline.

 

"i mean, here i am, thinking i'm so great at reading people, thinking i've got you figured out.  thinking you're my soulmate come to save me from this world i'd been waiting to see all my life that left me so fucking disappointed.  i don't know if you were _trying_ to fool me into thinking you loved me too, or what.  but hell, it worked.  that's a feat, pulling the wool over my eyes like that, so congrats, i guess."

 

He caught a glimpse of Papyrus twiddling his thumbs nervously in the back seat.  Maybe he'd raised his voice just a little bit too much.  "SANS, I'M NOT SURE IF THEY--"

 

"i can't hate you for this, 'cause i know you don't hate me.  there's a grain of truth to what you said in that text, about lying to me to avoid hurting me.  so i know if you hated me, you would've just told me.  y'know, to torture me.  i'm not sure of anything anymore, but my best guess about you?  you just don't give a shit."

 

Sans hated to do this, but it was a rare occasion where he had to.  He gave Papyrus a firm glare in the rearview mirror, one that said _I know best, just let me take care of this_.  It worked, though the taller skeleton didn't seem to like it.  He clasped his hands tighter and looked out the window at the passing scenery.

 

"you just kinda...  do your thing.  you take what you see and get what you want.  and one day you saw me and you thought, wonder what it'd be like to dabble in some cross-species stuff.  maybe it's my fault for giving you what you wanted without ever fully realizing what it was.  then that guy kyle showed interest in you and you thought, wonder what it'd be like to sleep with the p.i. at my lab, and...  just like that, i was an afterthought.  that's what i'm getting."

 

They came to a red light.  He stared out the window blankly, took in the quiet city and the buildings all around them.  He recognized a few of the places you'd brought him on dates.  He thought about your sweet smile and the sound of your voice the very first time you told him that you loved him.  
  
"...  'course...  i have this alternative hypothesis.  where you did give a shit, and you still do.  where everything's like i thought it was.  we fell in love, both of us did.  but it wasn't enough.  it wasn't _nearly_ enough.  you loved me, but for all those feelings you had for me, for the whole future we had planned together, you still craved attention and excitement, beyond what i could...  i mean, i know i suck in bed, but...  was it so bad you had to go and--?"

 

He drew a long, shaky breath, then let it out to calm himself.

 

"but the first one hurts way less to think about.  how could i go on knowing how little being in love means if the second scenario is true?  how meaningless it is, how easy it is to get set back to square-fuckin'-one?  so i'm just gonna assume that you never gave a shit in the first place, and if i'm wrong, i don't want you to ever tell me, 'cause my soul would just..."  He clutched his chest.  He couldn't imagine what his soul must look like right now.  It felt like it was quivering...  "it would break, sweetheart.  can i trust you with that?  i'm sure i can.  we already know how you feel about lying to me to prevent me from getting hurt, right?"

 

He checked the GPS.  Only ten miles to Toriel and Frisk's place.  Where else could he turn?  He wanted to crash with someone who didn't know what had happened yet.  He didn't know if he could handle Undyne's inevitable talk of going to kick your ass for breaking his heart, or Alphys' tearful apologies for both failing to tell him sooner and for telling him at all.  Sure, the old lady and the kid were both bound to ask questions, maybe even harbor fairly accurate suspicions, but they knew little enough that maybe he could just be left _alone_ for a few days before he tried to get back on his feet.  Being alone was the only thing he could think about to tear his mind away from those desperate, desperate thoughts of running back to you while he still could.  He just wanted to be alone.

 

"anyways.  paps and i are gonna figure out a living situation where we don't have to mooch off of you.  it's really important to us that we do that, so it's probably best you just move on to the next poor sucker whose life you change forever right when he needs you the most."

 

His voice tightened and broke on the last few words, and fresh tears made their way down his cheeks.  He choked on them a little.  And then, something unexpected: his soul flared with anger like a burst of adrenaline.  Maybe it was all it could do to keep itself alive.

 

"in other words...  **go to hell and don't crawl back up**."

 

*                          *                              *

 

***Click***

 

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	3. HONEST Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.

You stood outside the door to Kyle's apartment, out in the cold, and stared down at Sans' messages.  You stared at them until your vision blurred and it felt like the tears in your eyes were going to freeze over.  Feeling numb, as if in some kind of daze, you backed out of your messages app and thumbed the 'Contacts' button, then scrolled down to _Sandsome <3_.  You wanted to slap your faux-cutesy self in the fucking face, giving him a name like that when you didn't even care about him enough to keep it in your pants.

 

You knew that there was going to be hell to pay for what you were about to do, but you didn't care.  It served you right.  And more importantly, you knew that it was the only moral thing left to do in your situation.

 

You pressed the call button.

 

...

 

He picked up in a heartbeat.

 

"where.  in the actual fuck.  are you?"  He sounded...  so exhausted that he couldn't even be angry.  You could tell without him saying a word about it that he'd been up all night trying to find you.  And you could hear some noise in the background...  like some kind of office building, maybe?  Then you heard Papyrus, too, just enough in the background that his voice wasn't as totally overpowering as it usually was over the phone.  
  
"HOORAAAYYY!  SHE CALLED BACK!  NEVERMIND OFFICERS, SHE IS ACTUALLY NOT DEAD OUT THERE SOMEWHERE AND IS IN FACT TALKING TO MY BROTHER ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW SO WE WILL JUST BE ON OUR WAY AFTER ALL.  WHAT A FAVORABLE OUTCOME!  YIPEE!"

 

Ah.  They'd probably gone to file a missing person's report.

 

"Sans."  You sighed.  You should've planned what you were going to say.  Now you were just winging it.  "I did something...  really stupid last night.  I'm okay, like-- physically, I'm unharmed--"  
  
"and that's all that matters to me.  seeya' when you get home, babe."

 

"NO!  Sans, wait."  He didn't say anything after your frantic plea, but...  the call didn't end.  You could imagine him on the other end, anxiously waiting but not really wanting to hear what you had to say.  A reaction like the one you just had was never good news.  "Listen.  I need you to do something for me, okay?  Hang up like nothing happened and tell Papyrus that I told you that I, uh...  fell asleep in my car on the side of the road somewhere.  But that's not actually what happened.  So when I get home, we'll go to our room and talk so that I can tell you what actually happened, face-to-face.  And you can decide then what you wanna do."  
  
"..."  
  
"...  Sans, are you still there?  Can you do that for me?"

 

"haha, of course, babe.  i of all people understand the need for a nap.  i'm just happy to hear your voice."  You felt a small sense of relief at the realization that he was playing along, though you also felt a stab of guilt at the way that his tone came across as noticeably less-than-genuine.  It was a weak attempt at sounding as jovial as ever.  "alright, love you too.  buh-bye."    
  
"TELL THEM I LO--" Sans hung up abruptly before Papyrus could even finish his sentence.  His last few words-- which suddenly struck you as somewhat pointed-- made you realize that you'd forgotten to say that you loved him at any point, yourself.

 

So your belated attempt at doing the right thing was going _great_ so far.

*                           *                          *

Sans and Papyrus were both waiting for you out on your front porch when you, at long last, arrived back at home.  You took in your same old front yard and realized it felt like you’d been gone for weeks.  The past day stretched on and on into infinity in your head—everything felt like it was in slow motion.  You saw Sans sitting on one of the steps, back slouched, staring at the ground even when your car rolled up, completely dejected, and Papyrus perking up when he saw you, shaking Sans by the shoulder and pointing at your car, and you felt sick.

 

Sans looked like he already knew, or strongly suspected, what was coming.  What romantic partner wouldn’t, considering what you’d told him?

 

But Papyrus?  He just looked happy to see you.  After getting nothing but a blank stare from Sans, he threw his hands up in the air in exasperation and rushed over to greet you himself.  The moment you stepped out of the car, his arms were around you in a clatter of bones.

 

“WELCOME HOME!  YOU HAD US WORRIED SICK!  SANS EVEN GAVE UP HIS PRECIOUS NIGHTLY ROUTINE OF SLEEPING TO GO LOOKING FOR YOU!  UNDYNE YELLED AT HIM FOR CHECKING AT HER AND ALPHYS’ PLACE FOR YOU AT TWO IN THE MORNING.  AND IT WAS TORIEL’S IDEA TO TRY TALKING TO THE POLICE.  DON’T MIND SANS, I THINK HE’S FALLING ASLEEP OVER THERE.”

 

You craned your head to the side to look at Sans over Papyrus’ arm.  He was decidedly not asleep.  He was just watching the two of you, having only tilted his head a little to do so.  Otherwise, he hadn’t moved from his original position.

 

“I’m sorry, Papyrus.  I really am.”  You hugged him tight.  “Listen to me.  I want you to know that I didn’t mean to do anything that would hurt you.  Or Sans.  Or anyone.  I just…  wasn’t thinking.”

 

“NYEH-HEH!  WELL DON’T CRY!  I UNDERSTAND!”  He patted your back reassuringly.  “IT GETS HARD FOR HUMANS TO THINK WHEN THEY DON’T GET ENOUGH SLEEP, RIGHT?  I HOPE YOU GOT SOME GOOD SHUT-EYE!  EVEN IF IT WAS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD IN YOUR CAR AND VERY DANGEROUS, WHICH YOU SHOULD PLEASE NEVER DO AGAIN.”

 

“I won’t.”  You squeezed him as close to you as you could.  “Not ever.”

 

God, you were going to miss him like hell.

 

“SANS!  COME ON, GET OVER HERE!  YOU SHOULD FEEL HER STRONG ARMS!  SHE IS GIVING HUGS TO RIVAL UNDYNE’S!  IT REALLY HELPS YOU FEEL BETTER AFTER ALL THAT WORRYING, I CAN CONFIRM!”

 

Sans looked lost.  His pupils faded back in, and he glanced around at the sound of Papyrus’ voice addressing him by name, like he’d momentarily forgotten where he was.  Then he got to his feet, slowly, like he’d aged thirty years in the last hour, and walked over to the two of you with his hands shoved in his pockets.  At no point during this did he dare to look you in the eyes.  Papyrus let go of you and watched on eagerly, presumably because he wanted to see you cheer Sans up with your strong hugs.

 

You hated to disappoint him, but Sans looked like he was in no mood to hug.  When you started to move towards him, he flinched away from you and kept his hands in his pockets, eyes still trained on the ground.

 

“welcome home.”

 

You could practically feel Papyrus glancing between the two of you.  You’d agreed to act like nothing was wrong, but seeing each other face to face like this, it was impossible.  You didn’t want to force him into hugging you when he was, doubtless, extremely upset with you.  He clearly didn’t want any hugs from you at the moment, especially not one strong enough to make his bones ache.  He looked like he might just break apart.

 

“…  BRRR!  IT SURE IS CHILLY RIGHT NOW!” Papyrus remarked.  “IT’S OKAY!  EVERYONE HERE IS ALLOWED TO BE A LITTLE UPSET!  I WAS, TOO, BUT THE HUG HELPED.  HUMAN, WHY DON’T YOU GO FIRST?  APOLOGIZE TO SANS FOR MAKING HIM MISS A WHOLE NIGHT OF SLEEP WORRYING ABOUT YOU.”

 

You tried to meet Sans’ eyes, but he still wasn’t looking at you.  You weren’t about to force him to.  He could hear you just fine.

 

“I’m sorry, Sans.  I’m really, really sorry.  I regret it, one-hundred percent.  I hope you know I’d never do it again, not in a million lifetimes.”

 

“…  ‘snice to hear.  i appreciate the apology.”  Appreciated.  Not accepted.  You weren’t surprised, though.  You didn’t expect him to accept your apology just like that, especially when he didn’t yet know the whole story.  He couldn’t even begin to forgive you for something he didn’t yet know that you did.

 

“AWWWH.  MUCH BETTER.  NOW SANS, HUG YOUR DATEMATE.”

 

Sans glanced up at you hesitantly.  You stood awkwardly with your arms at your sides.  It was terribly uncomfortable.  You could see him struggling between being repulsed by the idea of physical contact right now and taking one for the team to appease his little brother.  Eventually, he settled on extending his hand to you for you to hold.  You accepted, gently and respectfully, wrapping your fingers around his loosely so that he had plenty of opportunity to pull his hand away from yours if he wanted to.  He didn’t.

 

“…  CLOSE ENOUGH!  NOW COME ALONG, LET’S GET INSIDE.  THE LAST THING WE NEED ON TOP OF YOUR STINKY ATTITUDES IS FOR YOU TWO TO CATCH A COLD.  NYEH-HEH!”  He unlocked the door for you and let you inside.

 

Stepping back into your house was some kind of surreal.  Everything was familiar and different under the shroud of what was happening in the present moment.  Despite his cheerful disposition, you could tell that Papyrus felt it, too.  There was hesitation in his movements as he went over to busy himself in the kitchen.  He kept glancing at the two of you with a concerned furrow to his brow.

 

“WELL…  I THINK I KNOW WHAT WILL PERK YOU TWO UP!  YOU HAVEN’T EATEN ALL MORNING, HAVE YOU?  PANCAKES MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.  ESPECIALLY!  IF YOU TWO!  HELP ME MAKE THEM!  AND THROW FLOUR AT EACH OTHER LIKE THE RASCALS YOU ARE!  LIKE LAST TIME!”

 

You glanced at Sans nervously.  You could feel his palm sweating against yours.  You’d agreed to go to your room and talk.  That couldn’t be delayed.  It would be torture for him.

 

“Papyrus, that sounds great.  We would love some pancakes.  But I think Sans needs some sleep, and, y’know, I should go with him, so he has something warm to hold on to.”

 

“THIS IS ALSO TRUE!  CUDDLING WILL DO WONDERS FOR YOUR ATTITUDES, I’M SURE!”  The way Papyrus beamed at you, you were sure he was going to drop the issue.  But as soon as you turned to walk Sans to your room, he interrupted you again.  The tone of his voice was a far cry from a match to the expression you’d just seen on his face.  “…  IS SANS…  ARE YOU TWO GOING TO BE OKAY?”

 

Sans glanced at his brother over his shoulder.  “whaddya mean?  cuddling isn’t exactly the most dangerous couple activity in the world, paps.”

 

“DO YOU TWO THINK I’M STUPID?”  Both you and Sans visibly flinched when those words hit you.  “I LOVE YOU BOTH VERY MUCH.  SO I CAN TELL WHEN YOU’RE UPSET.  ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU’RE UPSET WITH EACH OTHER.  AND I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD FOR YOU, BUT IT ISN’T WORKING!  EVEN THOUGH IT IS USUALLY SO EASY TO CHEER YOU TWO UP.  SO I’M VERY WORRIED.  ARE YOU TWO GOING TO BE OKAY?” he asked again, a bit more desperately than the first time.

 

Sans cut in before you could.  “we’ll do our damnedest to try to be.  i’m sorry, papyrus.  we didn’t mean to try and pull the wool over your eyes or nothin’.  and we sure as hell don’t think you’re stupid.  we just wanted to talk it out with each other first before getting you all worried.”  You felt so guilty, and Papyrus wasn’t even your brother, as much as it often felt to you like he was.  You were sure Sans was feeling that guilt twofold, on top of all of his other turmoils.  
  
”WELL!  I’M WORRIED!  AND I WILL ALLOW YOU YOUR PRIVACY!  BUT JUST KNOW THAT I WILL BE OUT HERE, MAKING THE MOST ANXIOUS PANCAKES OF MY LIFE, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.”

 

“thanks, bro.  i probably will.”

 

God, the walk to your room was so quiet and grim, it felt like you were walking to your execution.  Without Papyrus there to mediate, the two of you fell into an uneasy silence.  He still didn’t let go of your hand, though.  Not until you made it to your room, so that he could turn and lock the door behind you.  He stayed there for a second, resting his head against the wood.

 

“good going.  you upset him.”

 

Your instinct was to point out that you _both_ had upset him, but what was the use in picking a fight with him from the get-go?  Besides.  When you thought about it, it was your actions that had caused this rift to open up between you, so if the blame weighed most heavily on anybody, it was definitely you.  Maybe he realized that.

 

“I know.  I tried not to, but I fucked up.”

 

“seem to be doing a whole lot of that lately…” he muttered.

 

“Tell me about it.”  You sat on your bed and paused to see if he was going to go on.  But he had nothing to say.  His back was turned, but he was listening to you.  “I don’t know how to break this to you, and I have a feeling you already know, but I’ll just say it.  So that you know for sure and I can at least be honest with you.  Things happened, and…  I…  slept with this one guy from work.  I wasn’t drunk, or coerced.  I was just being an impulsive idiot.  It doesn’t matter who initiated it.  I ran with it, and that puts the blame entirely on me.  For everything I did and for everything that’s going to happen because of it.”

 

“of course i already knew.  how stupid do you think i am?”  His voice was quiet and cold.  It was more frightening than any scream could ever be.  “as stupid as you think papyrus is?”

 

You frowned.  “Sans…”

 

“god, i thought those jokes alphys would make about your crush on the p.i. at your lab were sooo fucking funny.  ha-ha-fucking-ha.”  He turned to look at you.  His pupils were gone.  “so what?  were you and al spending all this time laughing it up at how stupid i am?  was i supposed to come in and force you away from somebody i thought was just one of your friends?  was it totally hilarious how i heard the jokes about your crush, but decided to trust you anyways because i couldn’t imagine you doing anything to hurt me?”

 

Your eyes widened.  “Jesus Christ, Sans, no!  If Alphys knew what I did, she’d be devastated.  She thought it was all just a silly joke, too.”  You bowed your head.  “…  She would feel horrible for making you feel like she had any part in this.  You can’t lash out at anyone else but me, Sans.  No matter how much you want to.  I know it sucks, but I’m the only one you can hold responsible.”

 

He covered his face.  It was the first time in your relationship that he’d made any sign of being ashamed of crying in front of you.  “…  i know,” he said in a tiny voice that barely even sounded like his anymore.  Your heart ached for him.  You wanted so badly to go comfort him, but you could see it in the rigidity of his body, the way his shoulders were tense and raised.  He would shove you away if you tried to touch him.  So instead, you let him cry, even as each little sniffle and hiccup pierced your heart like a knife.  He was stuck between the way he’d learned to express his feelings before he met you and the way he’d learned to do it after.  Without you versus with you.  Keeping everything to himself, smiling for the world, and dealing with everything completely on his own, versus no longer being ashamed of letting you see him cry.  He no longer wanted to let you see it, but he didn’t have the strength to stop the tears anymore, either.

 

Either way, you could tell he didn’t want you staring at him, so out of respect, you averted your eyes.  You couldn’t avert your ears, though, however much you wanted to.  You would never forget the sound of your boyfriend crying over the heartbreak you caused him.  Part of what made it so painful to hear was knowing how tough he was.  He hardly ever cried.  Not to any of the most emotional games or movies you’d shown him, not when he fell and broke his ulna while rescuing your cat from a tree, not any of the times you’d been yelled at by racist strangers for associating with one another, in either a platonic or romantic context.  Now that you thought about it, he’d only ever cried out of fear of losing the life he had now.  Over what had happened to him in other timelines, what he’d had to see, what he’d had to do, and what he constantly, constantly fretted over becoming his reality again.  He cried out of love for the life he’d put together on the surface.

 

So of course he was crying now.  You just took away a huge part of that for reasons he couldn’t even understand.

 

You only looked at him when you heard him utter your name, not once, but twice, and a little louder the second time.  Not an utterance of loss, like you thought it might have been, but an attempt to get your attention.  “Yes, Sans?”

 

You braced yourself for what he was going to say next.  You were ready for him to say what you’d been dreading, but what was inevitable.  He hated you for this.  He was breaking up with you.  He didn’t want to see you, and he didn’t want Papyrus to see you, ever again.  You made him sick.  Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.  You were ready to hear any of that.

 

“…  can you hold me for a little while?”  
  
You weren’t ready to hear _that_.  “…  Why?”

 

“so i can remember what it felt like to have somebody love me that way.”

 

You’d already convinced yourself that you weren’t going to try to hug him, or touch him at all.  You didn’t deserve to.  The refusal to his request was on your lips before you knew the reason, but his words reached a depth of your soul you didn’t even know existed.  You felt for him.  So much.  How could you refuse him now, cause him even more pain, after everything you’d already done to hurt him?  You held out your arms.

 

“Okay, Sans.  If that’s what you need right now.  C’mere.”

 

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve as he approached you, and as soon as he was close enough, both of you sank into the embrace with equal want.  Each of you needed this just as much as the other right now.  With you sitting down, and him standing up, it was the only way he could seem taller than you.  Your head came to rest on his sternum, and he tucked his nose into your hair.  The two of you stayed there for what felt like forever.  His breaths started out chaotic and uneven, still somewhat sobbing, but they slowed and evened out once your arms were around him.  Even as he became calm, you could still feel little droplets falling on your head like rain.  You had no idea anymore how much or how little he wanted physical affection right now, so you held him loosely, but didn’t dare try to pull away.  You whispered to him a few times that things were going to be okay, because that was the thought always running through your head, invariably, whenever his arms were around you.  It emanated from him in the warmth of his magic, the musky pine smell of his disheveled hoodie, the breaths flowing out his nasal cavity.  When it came to comfort, he gave, and he gave, and he gave.  It was going to be okay.  It was going to be okay.  It was going to be okay…

 

“knock it off, you shithead.”  You almost recoiled.  His tone wasn’t light-hearted at all.  Not like it usually was when he would ‘insult’ you.  That had to be the first time, in all the time he’d known you, that he’d genuinely called you a nasty name.  “stop treating me like that.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“like some kinda wounded animal.  everyone’s gonna start treating me like that, and i hate it.  i don’t want anyone’s fucking pity right now.  or ever.  i want help putting my life back together.”

 

It wasn’t like you could help feeling sorry for him.  But you felt bad you’d made it so obvious.  You squeezed him a little tighter.  “Okay.  Sorry.  It just sucks to see you in so much pain.  But I know you can handle it.  Without me, if you need to.  You’re the strongest man I know.”

 

“…  thanks.”

 

You were both still for awhile, like statues.  Neither of you dared to move.  You felt like you might fall apart if you did, and wondered if maybe Sans felt the same way.  He mumbled your name into your hair, and again, you answered.

 

“Yes?”

 

“do you still love me?”

 

You didn’t hesitate.  “Of course I do.”

 

“then why.”

 

You couldn’t answer that.  You really, really couldn’t.  You could find neither words of comfort nor reason.  He gave you plenty of opportunity to answer before beginning to hypothesize.

 

“did i do something that pushed you away from me?  were you just kind of settling when you agreed to go out with me, ‘cause i was the only one giving you that kind of attention?  or…  am i a lousy lover?  i try, y’know, but you’re my first partner.  i thought i was doing alright, but if i wasn’t, you should’ve just told me, ‘cause it’s not like i had a frame of reference.”

 

You shook your head insistently.  “Don’t you start.  None of this was your fault.  It was all me.  There was nothing you could’ve done.”

 

“then there’s nothing i can do to prevent it from happening again,” he reasoned.

 

You felt like your heart stopped for a moment.  Here it came.  You just wanted to get it over with, so you cut to the chase.

 

“…  So what do you want to do now?  About us.  Our relationship.”

 

“i don’t know.”

 

He just kept on surprising you.  How could he not know?  After all you put him through?  It seemed obvious, from an objective viewpoint.  It was over.  You wished you could see his face right now.  Try to figure out what was going through his mind.  But you wouldn’t dare deprive him of the hug he still so desperately needed just to do that.

 

“Do you want to go our separate ways?  Find a nice new place for you and Papyrus to settle down?  Away from me?”

 

It took him a long, long time to answer that, but you didn’t rush him.  You had to let him think.

 

“no.”

 

“No?!”

 

“no.  i don’t.”

 

“Do you want to try and stay together, then?”

 

Again, it took him a long time to answer, and you had to restrain yourself from saying his name to get a response faster.

 

“i don’t know.”

 

“Is there anything I can do to help you make up your mind so we at least have something conclusive to say to Papyrus once we walk out of this room?”

 

“i don’t know.”

 

“…  If we try to stay together.  Hypothetically.  How can we make this work?  What would make you feel comfortable again, and happy?”

 

“i don’t know.”

 

Damn it.  This was going nowhere.  You felt your frustration—with yourself, not him—mounting, and you couldn’t help but speak what was on your mind.

 

“…  You should beat the hell out of me.”

 

He pulled away from you, his hands slipping from your back all the way to your elbows.  “what the _hell_ , buddy?  what kinda guy do you take me for?”

 

“I don’t.  I just…  thought it might make you feel better to get some retribution.  I don’t think I really meant that.  I was just thinking, maybe you deserve to hurt me the way I hurt you.  And it’d make things even.  It’s easier to move past it when we’re on even ground compared to a slant, right?”  You paused.  “I mean.  What if, maybe, you…  you know.  Cheated on me right back?”

 

There was no mistaking the expression on his face.  Disbelief and disgust.  “you’re sick.”

 

“It was just a suggestion.”

 

“yeah, well it was a stupid one.  keep your fucking mouth shut when you have your next one, yeah?  if you think that’s something that would make me feel better—something i would even want in the first place—then i got nothing more to say to you.  it’s not worth talking sense with someone who doesn’t even know me on a basic level.  i’m not like you.”

 

Shit.  He seemed angrier over that than anything else you’d said so far.  You backpedaled hard.  “Sorry, sorry, sorry.  I know.  I had my head up my ass again.”  Clearly, you had a long way to go, understanding his points of view on love and sex.  It occurred to you now that you’d never bothered to gain an in-depth understanding of that earlier.  You kind of took it for granted that Sans loved you.  You never stopped to ask how, or why, never wondered what made him change his mind when it came to you, after a lifetime being completely apathetic to the topics of romance and lust.  You just figured everyone had to have their first significant other, and he just happened to get his a little later than most.

 

But God, if you could get this to work again, if you could get that coveted second chance, you swore to yourself that you would work at learning him until you understood him from head to toe.  You would do better.  _That_ was the only way you could make it up to him.  Not by dragging him down to your level, but by raising yourself to his.

 

“…  Hey Sans?  Can I ask you something?”  
  
”sure.  if it’s not some more emotionally illiterate bull.”

 

“It’s not.”  You moved your hands from his arms down to his hands and laced your fingers with his.  “I just wanted to ask you what made you fall in love with me.”

 

His whole body slouched.  You wondered if that was the anger leaving him.  Without it, he just seemed exhausted.  But looking at his eyes now, you could’ve sworn you still caught the smallest glimmer of warmth.  How could he hide it?  He was recalling his nicest memories of you.  That crazy time in his life where you left him lying awake in his bed at three in the morning with butterflies that wouldn’t quit.  What enabled him to feel that way?  Again, it took him awhile to answer, but this time, it didn’t seem to be for lack of certainty.  He sounded confident in his answer.

 

“…  our friendship.”

 

You smiled a bit, for the first time throughout all this.  That warmed your heart.  “Yeah?”  
  
”yeah.  i think that’s it.  i couldn’t feel the way i did without us being the kinda really, really close friends that we were.  you were my partner in everything, even before we got together.  you were always good to papyrus.  you laughed at my jokes.  you were funny as hell.  you invited me everywhere.  even, uh.  some places i’m pretty sure it wasn’t a great idea to invite me to.”  He chuckled softly.  “remember that time you brought me to that fancy schmancy italian place ‘round the block?  we got italian soda and i decided we should have a burping contest.  and we got kicked out.”

 

You giggled at the fond memory.  “Yeah.  I remember that.  I almost kissed you that day, you know that?  But you still had the burps.  I didn’t want you to burp in my mouth during our first kiss.”

 

“ew.  i would’ve held it.”

 

You both laughed softly, in that way you did when something really was funny, and you knew that under normal circumstances you would have cracked up, but you were still a little too broken to laugh.  Still…  it was nice.  Even if you wouldn’t exactly call this the two of you making up, you at least seemed to be on the same page emotionally.

 

“yeah, so.  i kinda loved you before i ever knew i did, if that makes sense.  you were my best friend.  and then one day.  the thought popped into my head that it just seemed natural to take the next step with you and be something…  i dunno.  not more.  just different.”  He looked at you pensively.  “…  y’know, i think i know what i want to do now.”

 

You looked up at him eagerly.  Finally.  A solution.  Whatever it was he wanted, you were ready to accept it.  “Let’s hear it.”

 

“i’ll be frank with you.  it’s like i said.  no, i don’t want to go our separate ways.  but i don’t really know about staying in a relationship anymore, either.  i’d be suspicious of you.  all the time.  i don’t think i could watch you hang out with other guys anymore without feeling inadequate.  every kiss would feel kinda weird.  and sex would be out of the question.  i can’t handle any of that right now, considering.  it would be shitty.  things would fall apart.”

 

You felt a pit of dread in your stomach.  You’d really hurt him.  But you nodded, listening closely to his thoughts, and slowly coming to realize that he had a point.  “Yeah.  You’re right.”

 

“but i still don’t want to lose you.  i never want to lose you.  there’s no use in denying it.  i still love you.  it would take a whole lot more than what you did for that to change.  i don’t even know if it _can_ change.  it’s like it’s burned into my soul.”  He took a deep breath.  “…  what if we forget all this crap for awhile?  from the day we got together up ‘till now.  all the good and all the bad.  and…  hell, just go back to being best friends for awhile?”

 

You felt like you could cry with joy.  After such a difficult conversation, it was an incredible relief to hear something so nice and reassuring.  “You still consider me your best friend?”

 

“of course i do.”

 

“But I hurt you.”

 

“you sure as shit did.  in ways that i didn’t even know i could get hurt.  but i think i can live with that.”  He smiled a little more.  “so my best friend’s a bit of a jerk.  scratch that.  they are a HUGE jerk.  the way i see it, that just means i should help ‘em be a little bit nicer.  that way, we can both be happy.  and more importantly…”  He pulled you to your feet.  “we can stick together.  like we always planned on doing.”

 

“That sounds awesome.”  You almost lifted him off the ground with how tightly you hugged him.  “You’re awesome, Sans.  I’m glad we’re still friends after all this.  And I swear, I’ll make it all up to you, somehow.”

 

“yeah, you’d better.”  He swayed from side to side with you and patted your back as you hugged it out.

 

“I will.  That’s a promise.”

 

“i’ll hold you to it.”

 

“Alright.”  
  
  
”ok.”

 

You sighed and pulled out of your hug, instead taking the opportunity to hold his hands in yours.  “So.  Time to tell Papyrus the situation?  Including what I did.”

 

“i guess so.”

 

“…  He’s gonna be so disappointed in me.”

 

“yeah.  he will be.  so will our friends.  we should tell ‘em, too, or else they’ll start asking what our deal is.”

 

The thought of that broke your heart, but if it was the price to pay to keep Sans’ friendship, you were more than willing to accept it.  “Fuck it, then.  Commence the disappointment.”

*                           *                          *

Papyrus was the least of your worries.  You should’ve known he would take the news the best out of anyone you had to tell, but that still didn’t mean he took it very well.  He couldn’t seem to grasp _why_ you would go and do datemate things with someone who was not your datemate.  You couldn’t blame him.  You and Sans could hardly grasp it, either.  But when you explained that, because of what had happened, you and Sans were going back to being friends, that you still very much loved Sans, and that your little family was going to stay together right where it was right now, he seemed all too happy too accept it.  He hugged the both of you, one with each arm, and reassured you that if it was what you two were setting your mind to, you would both get through this just fine!  And if either of you ever needed his help—or the help of his dating guidebook, which SOMEONE in this relationship seemed in DIRE need of—you could call him and he would always pick up on the first ring!

 

Now, you and Sans weren’t about to dump your relationship troubles on him.  But you did call him up every now and then just to chat, and update him on what you and Sans were up to during the day.  Things were slow at first, like Sans didn’t really want to spend much time with you, but in a matter of weeks, you really were back to your pre-relationship routine.  That meant every day, you and Sans were up to some kind of adventure together.  Sometimes Papyrus gave you extra advice on how to make Sans smile, like bringing him to that one sci-fi movie he pretended like he wasn’t eagerly awaiting.  Without Papyrus’ help, you weren’t sure if your friendship with Sans could have been rekindled as quickly and as it was, or if it ever would have really been rekindled at all.  But you hated to dwell on that.  You and Sans were best friends again.  You really were.  That was all that mattered to you.

 

Toriel.  Ah, Toriel.  It struck you as ironic now that you’d sometimes felt jealous of her friendship with Sans.  Now you were glad that Sans had someone so nurturing there to support him through all this.  He always seemed just a little more chipper after the three of you all spent time together.  But the old lady had taken the opportunity once, while Sans went out to buy ingredients for some pie or another, to give you a stern talking-to about monsters and soulmateship.

 

She only told you the truth, but what she said scared you.  Bonds like the one between you and Sans were an actual, physiological connection between your soul and his.  A connection so deep that it interfered with the very magic that held a monster’s body together.  Those bonds were extraordinarily hard to break, and if they did, it could scar a monster’s soul for life, if not dust them.  From what she could see, yours had taken damage, but your souls had so far refused to separate.  Still, she told you, she didn’t have to talk to Sans to know that you’d put him through an immense amount of pain.  No soul bond could become that frayed without causing terrible suffering to the monster involved.  Even as the bond reformed and he outwardly returned to normal, his soul was still crying.

 

You didn’t know any of that, but you realized suddenly that you hadn’t seen that beautiful blue glow in his chest since before the incident.  Hadn’t heard it humming when you put your head to his sternum like you always did before.

 

Sans teased you for hugging him so tightly when he came back.  Geez, it was a trip to the grocery store, not a suicide mission.  But he hugged you back, the grocery bags in his hands bumping against the back of your legs.

 

Undyne…  well.  There was no putting it lightly.  Undyne hated your guts.  She was furious with you for cheating on Sans, and she was furious with Sans for not removing you from his life after he found out.  Who cares if you told him the truth?!  You still DID it!  When you tried to go inside and reason with her, she pulled a spear on you and told you never to come back.  Sans shielded you with his body when that happened, without hesitation and without a word, just in case.  But there was no need.  Undyne had no intention of actually attacking you.  She just glanced between the two of you for a moment, muttered one last profanity at you, then slammed the door in your faces.  You could tell she took faithfulness in a relationship pretty seriously.

 

Alphys’ rejection of you was probably the hardest pill to swallow.  She had actually been the very first monster you became friends with.  You’d met at the very same workplace you were at now, and you thought the world of her.  You couldn’t remember the last time the two of you didn’t spend your lunch break together.  But ever since your mistake, she’d made herself scarce.  You hardly saw her around anymore.  Eventually, you found out through an acquaintance she’d requested to work in a different division in the facility.  God, you were going to miss her.

 

All things considered, it could be said with certainty that your friendship with Sans was making a slow but steady recovery.  It wasn’t quite a linear trend, however.  It had its up and it had its downs.  Its downs were where Grillby came in.  He was fairly non-partisan as far as the issues between the two of you went.  He just supplied the alcohol and the comfort food you both found yourselves needing when things got rough.

 

So, months later, that was where you found yourself.  You’d lost some dear friends.  The ones you hadn’t lost didn’t quite look at you the same anymore.  Papyrus was the only one who seemed like he totally forgave you and refused to treat you any different than he did before, despite what you could only imagine was immense pressure from Undyne.

 

But you and Sans were back in action.  You continued to share a house, the two of you and Papyrus.  You slept on opposite sides of the same bed—you’d offered to buy a bunk bed, but he’d insisted that you not go to the trouble.  He was fine with sleeping on the same mattress, as long as you gave him a little space.  Every day, you found some little thing to do together, whether it was something active and adventurous like you riding your bike around town with him sitting on an attachable seat behind you, or something lowkey like snacks and Netflix or a classic trip to Grillby’s.

 

Things weren’t perfect, but they were good.  They were better than good.  That was probably the best outcome you could’ve hoped for, right?  You and Sans, still together.  Maybe not how you would’ve liked to be, but together all the same.  You were genuinely happy.  So was Sans.

 

That was all you needed.

 

…

 

But.

 

A few months passed.  It was a day like any other—Sans had been waking up next to you all this time.  But this time, he caught his gaze lingering on you longer than was natural as you slept on the mattress next to him in the early morning light.  Admiring the way the sun streamed through the blinds, lit up patterns on your hair and on your peaceful face.  Cautious not to wake you, he’d tucked a stray strand of hair—one of the many making up your ridiculous bedhead—behind your ear.  That was the moment he felt something he thought he would never feel again.

 

His soul fluttered for you.

 

He didn’t tell you about that morning.  Nor did he tell you anything about his growing feelings for you in the weeks that followed.  It was incredible, how closely it paralleled the first time he fell in love with you.  Not only the trajectory of his own feelings and his own nervousness about confessing them to you, but also your total obliviousness to them.  You let him get away with everything without so much as a questioning glance.  Holding your hand, putting his arm around you, resting his skull on you.  You didn’t even say anything when, suddenly feeling so terribly starved for touch and affection, he caved one night, scooted over to your side of the bed, and spooned you.  He woke up in the morning to your hands over his, but no more than that.  No expectations of getting back together.  Just an offer of comfort when he needed it.

 

That was just what he needed to see from you.  He wanted to see you finally, _finally_ prove that you could put him before yourself.

 

The nice thing about revealing how he felt this time was that he already knew for certain how you felt about him.  It was clear to him that you’d never stopped loving him romantically, and while for awhile that worried him, it came as a relief now that he felt ready to re-enter into a relationship with you.

 

Considering this was the second time around, he didn’t put quite as much fanfare into it as the first time.

 

You were putting up decorations for Frisk’s birthday party together over at Toriel’s house when he finished his part first and, seemingly out of the blue, made his way over to you, pulled you down by your shoulders, stood up on his tiptoes, and kissed you gently.  You didn’t stop him.  You dropped the banner you were supposed to hang on the wall to kiss him back gratefully.  He leaned his body into yours with equal need.

 

He would never forget the dopey smile on your face when he pulled away from you.  Still, you had to ask.

 

“…  Why’d you do that?”

 

“geez.  is my memory failing, or is yours?  didn’t i tell you forever ago?”  he smirked up at you.  “i love you.”

 

And he thought you were beaming before.  Your whole face lit up, until you couldn’t contain your joy and it came out in an excited squeal.  You dipped him so far he felt like he was going to fall on his ass on the floor, but there your arms were, holding him safely.  And there your lips were, crashing against his.

 

Needless to say, your relationship was officially official again at that point.  You kissed a lot.  Even more than you used to, actually.  Maybe it was because you now knew how terribly you’d missed it in the interim, but you kissed each other sometimes like there was no tomorrow.  You cuddled, too.  Every single night.  You spooned him, he spooned you.  But your favorite way to cuddle was to be facing each other and mutually hugging.  You had never been so happy to have someone constantly snore in your face all night long.  You’d acclimated to it before.  You looked forward to doing it again.

 

Everything fell back into place pretty quickly after that fateful kiss.  Everything except for one thing: the sex.  That was a touchy subject.  You never talked about it, but you felt that you understood his feelings on the matter.  He wasn’t depriving you of it to punish you or anything.  God, no.  He’d put his anger behind him forever ago, far before he kissed you, far before he even began to show you slight romantic affection again.  But, to put it simply, he was traumatized.  Everything else, he could do without the reality of what you’d once done looming over him.  But if he had sex with you again, how could he pry his thoughts away from the fact that, the last time you did this, it was with another man, while you were still in a committed relationship with him?

 

Thus, you never initiated.  You had no right to.  Still, Sans proved your theory right in the end, himself.  He’d seemed to think he was ready for it.  Ready to restore that one last aspect of your relationship.  You couldn’t blame him for wanting to try.  His body, his soul, his entire being ached to be with you again.  He was so desperate for you to touch him that way after such a long time with nothing but the memory of it to keep him satisfied.  You could feel it in the heat and trembling of his bones when he kissed you, the pleasured sighs escaping him with every touch, the haste with which he summoned his magical length and buried it in you as deep as he could go.  He’d started out so happy, so eager, so sure of himself, that just for a moment, you were ready to accept that maybe he’d just needed a little more time.

 

Then his movements petered out only a couple of minutes in, and he came grinding to a halt.  He looked down at you with the most painful sort of guilt in his eyes.  Shook his head.  Pulled out of you so suddenly you whined, and went scrambling for his clothes.

 

“sorry,” he whispered to you as he pulled his jacket around his shoulders with trembling hands.  “i can’t.  i can’t.  i thought i could today, but i can’t.  i’m sorry.  i tried.”

 

“It’s okay,” you told him simply.  “You don’t have to.  Not today.  Not anytime soon.  Not even ever.”  And you held him innocently in your arms until he fell asleep.

 

Sans learned to be more cautious after that.  He learned to be more in tune with his own feelings and what he could and could not handle, which was something he was never really proficient with, even after getting to know you.

 

Even in all his caution, you repeated the process, a few times.  Sans would tell you he wanted to try having sex again.  You would start.  He would seem like he was having a great time.  Then he would just…  lose himself in the past, and need to stop.  You had to hold him extra close the third time it happened.  He felt so bad, he cried against your chest, cried in utter frustration with himself, cried himself all the way to sleep no matter what you said to comfort him, mumbling apologies he had no real reason to give.

 

But time heals all wounds.  That was something you firmly believed in.  A year and a half had now passed since your affair, and you and Sans had rebuilt a loving, if ultimately sexless, relationship.  You hadn’t tried in a few months, so you were a little nervous when he pressed his hips up against your backside while you were cuddling and asked if you wanted to give it another go.  You braced yourself for the worst.  Readied yourself to comfort him and reassure him that you really were his, all his, and nobody else’s, just as he was yours.

 

But this was the time you didn’t have to do that.

 

You didn’t know what the two of you did right this time.  Maybe there was something in the way you held each other, or something in the way you looked at each other without ever looking away.  The moment you were dreading never came, but the one you’d been hoping for did.

 

Your skeletal sweetheart only lasted a few minutes, but that was the last thing on your mind.  At the forefront of your thoughts was the mounting ecstasy in his expression, the excited humming of his soul, so strong you could feel it in his quivering bones, the whining in his throat crescendoing into yelps, then cries.  He climaxed in you sloppily, arms in an iron grip around you as he did, exhilarated groans of the word “ _yes!_ ” pouring from his mouth.  And you knew it wasn’t just because of how good it felt for him—he was delighted by something else.  He’d finally been able to overcome his lasting insecurities and make love to you again.

 

You followed after him, heat blossoming in you like gasoline fire from a match and permeating every fiber of your being.

 

The afterglow may have been the best of your life.  Sans looked like he wanted to pass out asleep, but he wouldn’t stop kissing you.  You thought he was just panting between those impassioned little kisses, but you soon made out the words being spoken under his breath.

 

“i did it.  i love you.  please stay with me this time.  stay with me.”

 

You would.  Invariably.  Every day of your life from now on, you would be with him, for as long as he wanted you to be.  But not because of what he’d just done.  You would stay with him because you loved him, simple as that.  He’d _shown_ you what real love truly was.  That was exactly what you told him as you held him in your arms.

 

You’d already lost him once.  You would never do anything to risk losing him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this finale makes up for some of the pain!!! I don't really believe in forgiving cheaters but damn it I think we all deep down really want at least one happy ending for Reads and Sans! ‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

**Author's Note:**

> For the record? The author believes in never, ever, EVER forgiving a cheater. The second ending may be the "happier" one, but I will always consider the leaving-the-cheater ending to be the GOOD ending.


End file.
